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If elites ever apologized for the pandemic, it’d sound like this

By Matthew Delaney

Editor’s note: The opinions expressed here are those of the authors. View more opinion on ScoonTV. 

Not sure about you guys, but I feel like someone owes us an apology 

For what, exactly? Well, how about those useless lockdowns. Or the money-nerfing inflation. Or the empty shelves. Or the pagan dedication to The Mask. Or the school closures, then reopenings, then – oh wait they’re closed again. Or the “we’ll never mandate the vaccine…ha kidding take it or you’re fired.”  

Or how about just the general coldness, and at times, contempt our power brokers have shown us while we tried to do what’s right, only to make us look like fools as they flaunted their natural immunity to pandemic restrictions.  

With so many blue states dropping mask mandates — including liberal strongholds like New York, New Jersey, California and Oregon — now is the time for a quick “We screwed things up. Our bad.” 

Obviously, we don’t live in a perfect world. Not even close. Some might even say it’s been downright dystopian around here for going on two years. 

But as far as we know, elites are still people, not lizard people. They can tell when they’ve made a mess of things for everyone, if only because it makes a mess for themselves. So, I thought I’d take a crack at how this apology would realistically sound if it ever did come about. I hope you find it convincing. 


Dear Friends, 

It’s been a while. I know we haven’t talked much — we’ve just been soo busy lately! — but we wanted to reach out to you because we’ve noticed you seem a bit…troubled.  

Your kids are struggling, and your resistance to an optional vaccine has gotten a little dramatic (noise pollution is a serious threat to the Northern Cardinal’s habitat in Ottawa, truckers). It’s OK though because we all make mistakes. That’s actually why we’re writing to you. 

It has come to our attention that there may have been some missteps over the past two years. Apparently, lockdowns had no effect on slowing the spread of Covid. Neither do masks — who could have seen that coming, right? We’re so glad that CNN decided to share this new science with us earlier in the week. 

(It couldn’t have come at a better time, too. We were about to bulk buy Bill Gates’ new TR100 mask — it has tubes extending that connect to your shirt, so you only breathe the air around your armpits, the most Covid-safe location on your body. Everyone was going to wear one to Joe’s State of the Union next month, but alas…) 

Try to remember where we started, though: March 2020. Everything was happening so fast, and things were changing so quickly, we didn’t always know what to do. So, we did what we thought was best for everyone; had you all stay home and wear a mask for a little bit. It was silly to risk your life over grabbing a drink or running your business. You people have families. And even better, we’d send you a little spending money to get by until things blew over. 

But things never did. We tried to reopen the economy, and then everything got worse again. People were getting really sick. They have families, too. Our motto has always been that “No one is expendable.” That was especially true for our vulnerable elderly and children. We had to hunker down again last winter. 

Thankfully in 2021, we finally got a vaccine. Three, in case you lost count. We were on our way to putting this ugly episode behind us. But then there was Delta, and the vaccine became even more important to stopping the spread. But there was also so much misinformation, we didn’t think that message was going to get through to you. So, we had to implement company policies making sure you got your shots. It was never about taking your jobs; it was about doing the responsible thing to protect your work family.  

I’m sure you’ve noticed a theme here: family. Our country — our family —-has been through a lot. This has been an immensely challenging public health crisis. But it’s also brought us closer together and made us stronger as a unit. Now in 2022, we’ve all learned a lot about how this virus works. We’re all getting better. Most importantly, we all understand that we can’t go on like this.  

It will be a cautious approach to the new normal. Given all the craziness of the past two years, we need to make sure we do this right. The last thing we all want is to go backwards. Until we figure out the best way forward, can you guys go a little easier on us? These are historically uncertain times we’ve been living through. After all, family is about forgiveness. 


Your Neighbors 

P.S.  We’d also like to announce that Fauci, our science guy, will be retiring in the coming months (if not weeks). We thank him for his service.

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Matthew Delaney


Matthew Delaney is a local journalist based in Washington, D.C. When he’s not questioning why he joined the media, he’s doing his part to restore some of its credibility with quality work

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